YouAreEnough

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mentions of Suicidal Ideation



Today I met with the Prosthodontist I was referred to. I left feeling pretty deflated. My head felt like it was going to explode. So much for having a few days off work to recharge!

I genuinely appreciated his kindness and thoroughness, but I walked into his office hoping and praying this appointment would be different. Similar, that is, to every other appointment and specialist I’ve been referred to over the last, almost four months since my accident. I find myself hoping and praying that this will be the one where someone can finally give me a definitive plan, concrete solutions and some reassurance that this nightmare I’ve been living through was finally moving towards an end. Today, I left with more questions than answers and feeling anything but reassured. Although I am beyond grateful and appreciative for all the wonderful care I’ve had up until now, and I do understand how fragile and complex all this is and I also know they all just want what’s best for me.

Throughout my appointment today, I kept hearing the word “babysit” repeated over and over again.

Apparently, that’s where we are right now. “Babysitting” my teeth.

There are STILL so many unknowns and after the initial examination, he told me that my bite is quite problematic and could make future procedures difficult. The teeth that have already undergone treatment STILL may or may not survive, and as things continue to settle, there are also concerns about how my gums are healing. I honestly thought I was out of the woods with that after the fracture healed, but apparently not. Just one more thing to worry about.

For now, he’s applied some cement to the tooth I’d lost a piece of, hoping it will help with the pain and sensitivity I’ve been dealing with in that area until future assessment is done on it. I’ve also scheduled another appointment in a couple of weeks to see if he can realign  my bite and even out my two front teeth by shaving them down, as they weren’t properly adjusted during the initial procedure on the day of my accident. Nobody is at fault for that. My mouth was a hot, bloody mess.

Before then, he advised me to make an appointment with my dentist to get a regular cleaning in order to prepare for those procedures.

And then there’s the ongoing conversation about what comes next for my still-missing tooth. When I heard the projected cost, the tears started flowing. I nearly fell out of the chair.

More appointments. More waiting. More uncertainty. And more money. LOTS of money.

I’m beginning to think I need a pencil and a really, really big eraser because if ever there were a chapter I’d like to erase and rewrite, it’s this one.

I’m trying to remind myself that “babysitting” simply means being cautious, allowing time for things to settle and not rushing decisions that could affect the outcome. I understand that. But in my head, it’s already been FOUR months. In the eyes of every single specialist, though, I’m reminded that it’s ONLY been four months. Knowing that doesn’t make the waiting and uncertainty any easier.

I’m feeling overwhelmed and pretty defeated today. I just want this nightmare behind me. I want to eat without thinking about every bite I take and smile without worrying about what I look like to the outside world.

And then there are the feelings that are much harder to put into words. Days like today bring back some of the darker thoughts I’ve been navigating through since my accident. There are moments when the emotional and physical toll becomes so overwhelming that a part of me wishes I had never woken up from my accident in the first place. It’s difficult to admit, let alone say out loud, but it’s an honest reflection of just how much this experience has taken out of me.

For now, I’m keeping that pencil and really, really big eraser handy and trying to remind myself that life is written in pencil, not permanent ink, for good reason.

#moreappointments #feelingdeflated #mentalhealth

Today I wore a hoodie from my “Gentle Reminder Project” collection I created a few years ago, giving myself the “gentle reminder” I needed before heading to my first EMDR therapy session this afternoon.

Feeling anxious and a little bit hopeful I reminded myself that showing up for myself is what truly matters.

One step at a time. You’ve got this.

@agentlereminderproject #mentalhealth #healing #emdr #youvegotthis

Sometimes, you just need to step away.

Grief and trauma, all rolled into one, have been exhausting. And lately, the emotional weight of it all has been triggering some really intense flare-ups for me, just to add a little more fuel to the fire.

I’ve reached a breaking point where I need to give myself a break. To give myself permission to let something rest for a change.

So, I’m logging off from work for the next few days. And honestly? All I really want to do is hide under my weighted blanket, and that’s exactly what I’m going to try to do.

I do have a few appointments scheduled and some other things I want to catch up on, but I’m making rest my priority. No filling every available moment with something that needs to get done. No worrying about what I’m missing at work. And, most importantly, no beating myself up for taking a few days to just be.

Sometimes self-care isn’t about doing more. Sometimes it’s about doing less. Sometimes it’s about recognizing that you’ve reached your limit and giving yourself permission to pause.

And I’m going to try my best to do so without guilt, and allowing myself a little grace.

#breakingpoint #timeoff #rest #selfcare #mentalhealth

Happy 64th Birthday to my favourite person to do life with!

Fiercely loyal, passionate, hardworking, determined and, yes, stubborn (a true Scorpio through and through!). You love your family with your whole heart, have made countless sacrifices for the people you love, make me laugh and put up with all my antics (and there are plenty!).

Your heart still aches every day for our precious Maggie since losing her only a few short months ago, a reminder of just how deeply you love.

I’m incredibly proud of the husband, father and person you are. Through all of life’s twists and turns, you’ve been my constant and my safe place.

Here’s to another year of #summerofrich adventures, making memories and, of course, keeping up with your much younger bride!

Love you to the moon and back, Rich. Forever and a day.

#happybirthday #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #myperson

It’s his birthday at the end of this coming week. He deserves to be celebrated every day though, if for no other reason than having to always put up with me!

Rich loves trains (we all have a little Sheldon Cooper inside us, don’t we?). So yesterday afternoon, I decided to plan a little pre-birthday adventure for the two of us that I knew he would really enjoy. He had no idea where we were going, even though I made him drive because downtown Toronto driving and I don’t mix well!

Our destination? The Toronto Railway Museum!

Neither of us had ever been before, so it was the perfect opportunity to play tourists in our own city. We spent the afternoon exploring the museum, taking advantage of the last weekend of the season for their guided outdoor tours, getting up close and personal with some of the trains, actually walking through several of them, simulating a train ride, and learning about the history of Canada’s railway.

We even took part in a little Halloween fun by participating in their Halloween-themed scavenger hunt, searching for all the hidden pumpkins scattered throughout the museum. After finding them all, we got to collect some treats at the museum gift shop!

The sun was shining, the weather was perfect, and honestly, I could really get used to these temperatures going into November!

It’s actually really fun to be a tourist in your own city. To discover places you’ve never been, learn something new, and experience something a little different together.

But as much as I enjoyed the afternoon, what I loved most was simply seeing him enjoy himself.

Rich does so much for me and for our family. He has been my constant, my safe space, my biggest supporter, and the person who continues to show up, even on the days when life isn’t particularly easy. Through all the ups and downs, the unexpected detours, the challenges and the adventures, he’s right there beside me.

I know I don’t always make things easy, and I probably don’t say thank you nearly enough for all the little and big things he does.

So yesterday was my little way of saying thank you. Of taking the time to plan something just for him, to make a memory, share a few laughs, and enjoy an afternoon together.

Because birthdays are worth celebrating, but so are the people who make our everyday lives better.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that some of the best adventures aren’t necessarily the ones that take you far away. Sometimes they’re right in your own backyard, with a little sunshine, and your favourite person along for the ride.

@torontorailwaymuseum #together #prebirthdaycelebrations #mentalhealth #youareenough

It’s been 3.5 months since my accident, and I’m still a long way from being through the dental journey of rebuilding and restructuring my teeth and mouth. The physical healing and uncertainty continue, but there’s another part of the aftermath that has added an entirely different layer to an already complicated mental health journey.

After more than 12 years of navigating my mental health, I’ve experienced a lot. But what I’m dealing with now is something entirely new.

Recurring nightmares almost nightly from the night of my accident and waking often from night terrors. I’m also experiencing daily bouts of trauma and symptoms of PTSD that have left me struggling in ways I never have before.

EMDR therapy was recommended to me. In simple terms, it helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories that have become stuck, allowing them to be processed without the same level of emotional distress.

After researching it, I found a therapist close to home, also recommended to me, who specializes in this form of therapy. Today, we met for an initial consultation.

We spent over an hour just going through my story, from the beginning of my mental health journey to where I am today. She listened, took notes, and then shared some of the key things that stood out to her as potential starting points for our work together.

She also explained that EMDR is a process, with steps to follow before, during, and after sessions. Some of those steps may be uncomfortable, but they’re an important part of the process.

All I know is that I can’t continue living this way.

As I told her, what I’m experiencing now is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and I’ve been through a lot! At one point, she looked at me and said those exact words.

I chuckled and replied, “I know!!!”

I’m always open to exploring new treatments and tools that might benefit me. But after my long and torturous history with antidepressants and psychedelics, I have one condition: it can’t involve ingesting anything stronger than a Tylenol!

For now, the plan is to book a follow-up appointment and begin the process.

I don’t know what lies ahead, or whether EMDR will help. But I’m willing to give it a try because living with this level of trauma and fear isn’t something I want to accept as my new normal.

So, here I go again. Another appointment. Another potential tool. Another step toward finding some relief.

I guess I’ve got nothing more to lose, right?

#emdr #therapy #myjourney #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #trauma

It’s almost November, but it feels more like spring today! So what better way to enjoy the beautiful weather, with not a cloud in the sky, than with a #summerofrich 2.0 hike?

We ventured to an area up north that we discovered this summer and quite enjoyed, so we found a new trail nearby to explore.

Earlier this week, when I met with the movement neurologist, she asked me what, if anything, helps relieve my symptoms. Without hesitation, I quickly answered that when I’m hiking, my nervous system is at its calmest. I usually pay for it later, but in the moment, it’s worth it.

Today was just what the doctor ordered! Fresh air, nature, and time on the trails with my favourite hiking partner!!

Here’s hoping my Holter monitor, along for the ride this weekend, captured some interesting data while I was out doing what makes both my body and mind feel most at peace.

#NatureIsMedicine #FindingMyPeace #MentalHealth #Hiking #FeelsLikeSpring

Follow-up with the Endodontist. ✅
Echocardiogram. Again. ✅
Stress test. ✅
Holter monitor for the next 72 hours. ✅

Another day of appointments, squeezed in between navigating a full-time job and everything else life demands.

Another day of trying to get answers. Another day of managing things I never expected to be navigating.

The hardest part isn’t any one appointment or test. It’s the accumulation of it all. The physical exhaustion, the emotional weight, the uncertainty, and the constant juggling of everything while life keeps moving.

You see the checkmarks, but you don’t always see what it takes to get through them.

I’ll admit, today took a lot out of me.

#StressTest #Echocardiogram #Endodontist #NeverEndingStory #MyJourney

Today was yet another specialist appointment. This one took a whopping 13 months to get.

For those of you who don’t know or are new to my page, for the past 4.5 years, I’ve been dealing with neurological damage following my willing participation in a clinical research trial for treatment-resistant depression on April 2, 2022. After being administered a dose of psilocybin (magic mushrooms), I was left convulsing, hallucinating and spasming for close to six hours while two doctors looked on.

Since then, I’ve been living a nightmare of daily bouts of tics, tremors, brain zaps, constant tingling in my hands and feet, numbness, an overwhelming aversion to noise and touch, and a very rare, incurable disorder called PGAD. I constantly feel shame and embarrassment (just add it to the never-ending list).

Flare-ups can be really severe, especially at night when I’m exhausted or during particularly stressful days. Today’s examination was no exception. It was during one such flare-up several years ago, following a suicide attempt, that I applied for MAID (medical assistance in dying, which I’ve spoken openly about in the past), hoping it would soon become legal in Canada for mental health disorders (which as of September, 2026 has been indefinitely blocked). I was at the end of my rope, both literally and figuratively, and found a loophole to apply with the onset of my neurological issues. I simply couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life this way, both mentally and physically.

After going through the entire process and being told my case was in a grey zone, I put it on hold. I kept it in the back of my mind while continuing, with the help of my psychiatrist, to explore every possible avenue to repair my broken nervous system. My psychiatrist was the head researcher on the clinical trial and has remained a continued source of support.

Every new specialist I’ve been referred to (and there have been plenty) has felt like another roadblock, with most perplexed about how they could help. None, though, has ever compared to the neurologist who told me, several months into this journey, that a circuit in my brain must have broken that day and hopefully would fix itself.

News flash: 4.5 years later, it hasn’t.

But with every roadblock, including MAID, I’ve kept going, researching and accepting whatever help I can from anyone willing to try.

Today was another one of those appointments, this time with a Functioning Movement Neurologist. She and her team spent well over two hours with me, patiently listening, examining and working on a new plan.

Whether or not anything comes of it, it always feels good to be heard, seen and validated, and to walk away feeling hopeful, if only for a moment in time.

#movementneurology #clinicaltrial #treatmentresistantdepression #mentalhealth #myjourney

Why is it that sometimes a shortened week can feel like the longest?

Monday was a holiday, which meant a shorter week, yet somehow this one felt incredibly long. Maybe it’s because the calendar doesn’t account for deep exhaustion or everything we’re carrying emotionally.

This week brought some sad news that someone I’ve known since childhood had passed away. We had reconnected years ago through social media, and her struggles with mental health had brought us back into each other’s lives. Although our journeys were very different, I can’t help wishing I could have done more. It’s a difficult reminder that sometimes we can care about someone, yet the circumstances are complicated, and there are things we simply cannot change.

At the same time, I’m still navigating my dental reconstruction, waiting for appointments and answers, and worrying as the teeth that recently had root canals are beginning to shift and feel quite sore and fragile. Instead of feeling like I’m moving forward, I’m scared that I’m moving backward. I’m scared of what it might mean and whether everything will be okay (thankfully, I have a follow up appointment next week with the Endodontist who did the procedure).

Add in other personal struggles, and honestly, this week has left me feeling overwhelmed, stuck, and a little more broken.

Being broken doesn’t have to mean you’re beyond repair, though. Sometimes it means you’re learning to rebuild yourself with more compassion, more wisdom, and a deeper understanding of your own strength.

We don’t always have to be strong. We don’t have to find the silver lining in every difficult moment or pretend we’re okay when we’re not. Healing isn’t always a straight line.

Sometimes, we just need to give ourselves permission to feel what we’re feeling and trust that this moment isn’t the whole story.

As Shabbat approaches, I’m reminding myself to pause, breathe, and let go of the things I cannot resolve today. Maybe for today, the unanswered questions, the worries, the grief, and the fear can wait.

For now, I want to make room for some peace, even if everything isn’t okay.

Shabbat Shalom. May we all find a little light, a little healing, and a little peace in whatever we may be carrying.