YouAreEnough

Each year, the first week of May is recognized as National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week. It’s probably pretty obvious by now that I don’t need any excuse what so ever to raise awareness about either one of these two mental disorders or tell you how important it is to talk about the potential impact they can have on someone’s ability to function in their daily life. 

Depression and Anxiety are the two most common of all mental health disorders, and over the course of the past several years, they have both become increasingly more and more debilitating to so many people’s lives. 

But then why is there still such stigma attached?

Why do so many people feel a sense of shame and guilt when it comes to their diagnosis?

Why is it still so hard for someone to open up about how they are truly feeling?

Well as someone who has probably heard it all by now, I get it, I get why so many people are afraid to open up about how they are feeling because I too have felt the impact of the stigma surrounding my illness too many times to count and I too have felt the shame and guilt that often comes along with my diagnosis. 

It’s important to remember that having a mental disorder is not something that a person chooses to have, they are actual medical conditions and need to be treated with medication and/or therapy; and that no one should ever have to justify their feelings to anyone. 

But too often, the person who is suffering with Depression and/or Anxiety are left having to defend themselves against the actions and words of others. And even though their intentions may be coming from a place of love or out of deep concern for the individual who is suffering, those words or actions can end up doing more harm than good and leaving someone feeling attacked or hurt when we dismiss or minimize or deny or compare their feelings.

So can we all make a fresh start today and change the conversation? 

Let’s not tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety to “snap out of it”, “try harder” or to simply “cheer up”. 

Let’s not tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety that they don’t look or sound “sad” or “depressed”.

Let’s not tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety that everyone has “bad days” or that a lot of people “have it much worse”.

Let’s not tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety that “it’s all in your head” and that they are acting “selfish”.

Let’s not tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety to “take a long walk” and you will feel better. 

And let’s never again tell someone who is suffering with Depression or Anxiety that they just need to “think positive” and “happy thoughts”.

Let’s change the conversation today. Somedays my life truly depends on it and I know that I’m not alone. 

#changetheconversation #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #checkonyourlovedones #empathy #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #bekind #whatdoesmentalillnessfeellike #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #yourmentalhealthmatters

I’m feeling so defeated lately. 

Many of the events in my life over the past few weeks have left me pretty speechless. 

Both literally and figuratively. 

I’ve been struggling to write or to put my thoughts down on paper.

I’m completely drained. 

My tank is empty. 

I’m in sensory overload.

Everything feels too much.

Leaving me unable to control my emotions.

But, I’m still trying my best to take care of me.

As a kid I loved reading “Choose Your Own Adventure” stories (which for anyone who grew up in the 80’s knows exactly what I’m talking about). 

But my life is not so simple. None of our lives are. 

I’m sure for those of us who loved reading this book series, we can collectively admit that we often cheated our way through them, flipping to the back pages, ensuring we made sensible choices that would not lead us to taking the wrong path, a path that would lead toward heartache, bad decisions, irreparable consequences or even death. 

Life is full of so many twists and turns and ups and downs.

Thinking about these books today is reminding me that I can’t go back in time, I can not change my past, but the good thing about these books, as it pertains to life itself is they always left the protagonist (which is you) in charge of their own destiny, giving them endless possibilities, alternative choices and new direction.

Many of my past attempts at life, past traumas and past failures have all led me to a path I never would have chosen, a path I never cheated to get down, but,  nonetheless, it’s a path that has led me toward endless possibilities, alternative choices and a new direction for which I am truly grateful for. 

Who still has their collection of “Choose Your Own Adventure” books?

#choseyourownadventures #series #mentalhealth #direction #possibilities #choice #depressionisnotachoice #depression #anxiety #defeat #toomuch #writewhatyouknow #sensoryoverload #passion #purpose #writing #blogger #author 

#Summerofrich has been on a hiatus since last Fall. We don’t normally do much in the way of outdoor activities in the winter months anyway (I despise the cold), however this past winter could have likely been the exception due to the warmer than average temperatures we experienced, but Rich has unfortunately been nursing a hernia and anxiously awaiting his surgery date since late Fall. 


With the long await and surgery now finally behind him, Rich will be as good as new, even better, and ready to climb mountains again after some much needed rest and rejuvenation in the coming weeks before we kick off the start of the #summerofrich 2024 season very soon. First up on the agenda will hopefully be the “Kids Help Phone”, Walk So Kids Can Talk, Walkathon which we participated in last spring for the first time. It was very meaningful. 


Every year since its inception about seven years ago, now I like to give a recap of how the #summerofrich came to be for any newcomers to my page who may be wondering what the heck it is exactly. 


The #summerofrich first began with a simple exclamation one (very) early Friday morning at the end of June as we stood waving goodbye to our three children as they drove away on the bus to camp for the next seven and a half glorious weeks (I actually think 1 or 2 of them may have been staff that summer and had therefore already left for camp a few days prior, but not important!).


They weren’t even out of the parking lot yet when Rich turned to me with the biggest smile on his face (I, on the otherhand had tears in my eyes), his arms raised high above his head as he shouted, “It’s the Summer of Rich!”. 


He wasted no time at all getting started, either. Our first activity on the #summerofrich agenda that year (and several years following until Covid hit) was already scheduled for later that morning. We were off to the spa for His and Her pedicures.


The #summerofrich meant that he now had a seven plus week break; a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break from the burdensome role he has taken on as both mom and dad, chef extraordinaire, therapist, errand schlepper, grocery bagger, laundry folder and much, much more for the other forty something weeks of the year; a role which he has so selflessly done for the better part of ten years now since I first became ill.


When Covid hit and the inevitable announcement came that May that overnight camps would not be running in 2020 I thought for a brief moment that we should just cancel the #summerofrich all together seeing as Rich would not be getting his well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break (or pedicure). Then I realized that we didn’t have to cancel it at all. We just needed to pivot somewhat; after all, we no longer had all three kids away for the summer by then anyhow. 


Yes, the #summerofrich may have started out as a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break for Rich during those seven or eight weeks that the kids were away at camp but it’s since become so much bigger than that now. In many ways, the #summerofrich has morphed itself into something way deeper and with an even more meaningful purpose. And not just in the summer months, either.


It’s become a healthy outlet and a perfect escape for both of us to take care of our mental health while having fun spending quality time together in nature and discovering parts of us, and Ontario, we never knew existed before. 


If you were to have told me 6 or 7 years ago that I would be enjoying the great outdoors, bugs and all; venturing way outside my comfort zone, chasing waterfalls, weathering each changing season, taking us on hiking trails (some quite challenging) all across our beautiful Province and exploring the beauty of nature, I’d have said you were crazy.


We have both come to discover instead just how beautiful, spirited, inspiring, healing and valuable nature truly can be and how much it reminds us while we are on our #summerofrich adventures that anything is possible when you can see the forest through the trees.  


It also makes me so happy knowing that sharing our adventures has actually brought so much joy to others as well. Hashtag Summerofrich has created quite the following!


Where will the trails take us next? Stay tuned.


#hiking #nature #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #onewithnature #beauty #inspiring #ontarioisourstodiscover #rejuvenation #discover #adventure #brucetrail #happytrails #purpose #meaningful #seeingtheforestthroughthetrees  

“Will ya hurry up, Mama, and take the damn picture already, I’m not getting any younger ya know. All I wanna do is take this silly thing that’s wrapped around my neck off and eat that piece of cheese you’re holding as I shamelessly beg for it while you try to get the perfect shot of all this cuteness.” 

Maggie is 13 years young today.

Happy “Bark” Mitzvah cutie.

You will never know just how much your crazy antics, unconditional love, and emotional support have brightened up our lives each and every day since we brought you home on Father’s Day in 2011.

❤️ you to the moon and back, furever and a day.

In honour of Maggie’s big milestone birthday today, I wanted to reshare a blog I wrote a few years ago about how much purpose a dog has in our lives.

A Dog’s Purpose

#happybirthdaymaggie #thirteenyearsyoung  #barkmitzvah #adogspurpose #pettherapy #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

Trigger Warning ⚠️ 

Last night, I picked up the finished product from my boudoir photoshoot.


When I went back to view the proofs a week after my shoot in February, I didn’t anticipate how overwhelmed I would feel having to narrow down my choice of pics to select from as part of my gift (and there were plenty). It wasn’t that I wanted to actually choose them all, it was just the opposite, I took one look at them projected on the big screen in front of me, and didn’t want to choose any. 


This should really come as no surprise to anyone, given how distorted my sense of self truly is.


My body is something I have come to fear. 


I shouldn’t, but I do.


I probably first developed this fear in my late teens during my first battle with an eating disorder. 


Over the last 8 months, I have lost a significant amount of weight, something I have spoken about in previous blogs. I will wholeheartedly admit, though, that it has been anything but a healthy journey for me. Those triggers of my first battle with an eating disorder never seem to go away. 


Last summer, I was diagnosed by my doctor with a “stress ulcer”. It took me a good month from the onset of my symptoms until I finally went to see her, by which time, I’d already lost 20 pounds. Although the ulcer was causing my body further distress, anything to jumpstart my weight loss journey was a win in my disordered mind. My doctor gave me a medication which I was to take for a month that seemed to help it go away, but the damage was already done. My ED mindset was in full gear.


During the first many years of my battle with depression I gained a lot of weight due to the over 20 different concoctions of antidepressants I was put on. By the time I made the decision to come off all medications that had only caused more harm than good, all I was left with was a further diagnosis of treatment resistant depression, an endless array of non-conventional treatments, and a hundred extra pounds of weight to carry around; some of which came off without any effort, but most have been a struggle to lose ever since. 


It’s no secret that we live in a society that values being thin. You rarely hear people congratulate someone or compliment them because they gained 60 pounds, but I can guarantee you that it happens quite often when you lose it. 


No one is really all that interested in hearing how you gained all that extra weight either, but we are all ears wanting to know, in great detail, just how you lost it. 


Surely, it feels like you are more likeable and attractive when you are thin, but thin doesn’t always equal health or happiness. 


I still can’t believe I actually let my guard down the day of my photoshoot. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable both in front of and behind the camera. For a brief moment, I felt free. My body was not something I feared. I was unapologetically me and embraced all my imperfections, perceived flaws, and body dysmorphia. 


I did finally choose from the selection of pictures taken. I am sharing one of them with you today as a part of my healing and as a gentle reminder to everyone that it’s ok to embrace your imperfections. The truth is, most of our perceived flaws go completely unnoticed by others anyway, so then why heck are we wasting so much of our energy on them?


If given the opportunity to do this experience again, I would. And if you have ever thought about doing it, you should too!!

  

#bodydysmorphia #imperfections #mentalhealth #boudoir #photoshoot #eatingdisorders #weightlossjourney #ulcers #distortedsenseofself #confidence #gentlereminder #wellbeing #myjourney #blogger #beinginthemoment 





 

Last night, I drifted off to sleep without any of my usual nighttime aids. There were no 1 A.M chats with my night owl friends, no background noise from the television which I had turned off and I wasn’t scrolling my Facebook Reels which I often use to distract me from the noise in my head during a restless night’s sleep. Just my Himalayan Salt Lamp to guide me in the darkness.


I felt a stillness in the air. It was a welcomed silence and calm.


The quiet of the night always feels scary to me. Even as a young child. 

My brain never shuts off, especially not long enough for me to enjoy the silence. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to just lie awake, in silence. Or better, fall asleep in it.


The only thing I was thinking about as I drifted off to sleep on our family room couch last night was the Zoom call I had just finished. It was with a Psychologist who reached out to me last week after she happened upon the recently published article I’d interviewed for the week prior. Her original intent for contacting me was to say thank you for my honesty and truth regarding my Psychedelic journey. 


When we agreed to a scheduled Zoom call, neither one of us really knew what its exact intentions were or where the conversation would lead to.


It turned out to be quite cathartic for the both of us. We shared some very personal anecdotes from our past, and for nearly 2 hours, we spoke about spirituality, God, and Near Death Experiences. She reassured me, like so many do, that I am never out of options. I told her that I felt like I was at this point in my journey. She went on to say that each path we take in life is never a mistake as there is never just one path traveled to get to the top of that mountain. I truly believe our paths crossed for a reason. 


Her belief is that we are all put on this earth for a purpose and to help others find their own purpose too. 


From hearing parts of my story and reading some of my blogs, she believes that my purpose in life is to lift up humanity and that the universe has already given me the “ingredients” to do just that. Like so many others in my life who see so much more in me than I do, she wants to make sure that I never choose to silence my voice, and let me know that I still have so much more work to do with my time left on this earth. 


Our conversation was both overwhelming and meaningful. She left me with so much to think about. It’s all I have been thinking about today, to be honest. Maybe this is what a spiritual awakening feels like? I haven’t been feeling well today. I even had to leave work early due to a severe flare-up. My nervous system went into complete overdrive this afternoon. Could this perhaps be my body and mind’s reaction to coming back to its original self?


Have you ever had a spiritual awakening?


#purpose #spirituality #meaningful #neardeathexperiences #godsplan #nervoussystem #self #purpose #spiritualawakening #saltlamp #darkness #silence #calm #psychology #psychedelics #intentions #mentalhealth #wellbeing #depression #anxiety 

It was a really tough week for me. 


I’ve been experiencing overwhelming anxiety and exhaustion.


I’m incredibly vulnerable and beyond hopeless. 


I feel like I am all out of viable options. 


By Friday evening, the added stressors from my week created an unbearable flare-up throughout my entire body, and may have also been the cause of a vicious migraine on top of it, which lasted most of yesterday.


The migraine has thankfully subsided today, but the flare-up has not. 


It’s unrelenting. 


Moving my body seems to be the only temporary relief I get. Something I couldn’t do yesterday while nursing a migraine and severe nausea.


Although my body and mind were both craving rest yesterday, which is just as important, today I will do whatever it takes to boost my mood, calm my nervous system down and help manage my debilitating flare-up with some laps in the pool this afternoon. 


I’ll do whatever it takes today to get my body and mind to a meditative state in an attempt to conquer another uncertain week ahead. 


What are you doing to reset, restart, or refocus today?


#reset #restart #refocus #selfcare #mood #flareup #swimming #movement #mentalhealth #wellbeing #nervoussystem #rest #anxiety #depression #exhaustion #stress #tingling #numbness #pgad #brainzaps #meditativestate #sundayvibes #youareenough

Trigger Warning ⚠️ 

An entire decade battling depression and anxiety.


It’s a really long time.


I’m feeling very anxious today. Triggers of old wounds and past childhood traumas are abound. 


Still broken. 


Ten years later.

 

It’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory; as though it happened yesterday. 


Ten years ago today, I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time. And I meant it.


It felt like my world was better off without me in it. And it still does. 


I could’ve never imagined, not even for one second that ten years later I’d still be here, fighting for my life. 


But I am still here, still fighting. 


I’m still trying, ten years later, to lift that veil of sadness. 


I have come a far way since then, thanks to the continued support and kindness from my wonderful therapist.


I now have a better understanding of my past traumas, my triggers, and my own personal guilt-ridden experiences from my childhood and young adult life that led me to my breaking point on April 4th, 2014.


I am now able to reach deep inside my soul to help me better understand the many depths of my suffering and the wounds I kept securely hidden away in my subconscious mind for far too long which, admittedly, first came to light during some of my Ketamine sessions a few years ago. 


I may never heal entirely. I can’t change the past, but having a better understanding that I am not to blame is a good first step and hopefully, with time, I can slowly begin to loosen the noose still tightly wrapped around my neck, ten years later. 

Thank you to all of you for continuing to support me and smother me with kindness and compassion along my journey, whether you are new to my life or still hanging on, ten years later.



#tenyearslater #theanniversaryeffect #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #healing #childhoodtraumas #guilt #treatmentresistantdepression #adecade #fartoolong #triggers #oldwounds #stillbroken 

I woke up that morning after a restless night’s sleep. 


I was excited to get to the clinic so I could start my Psilocybin journey. 


The wait was over. 


The day had finally arrived. 


I was hours away from getting the relief I had been dreaming of for so long.


I’d completed all the necessary steps needed in order to be accepted into the clinical trial. 


But there was just one thing left still standing in my way.


Earlier that week I had come into close contact with not one, but two people who contracted Covid.


My son being one of them and the other being a Psychiatrist who I’d just spent 2 to 3 hours with in close quarters the Sunday prior. 


I had managed to dodge every other exposure to Covid I’d had up til then.


But was my luck about to change?


As routine and for precautionary reasons, I knew the nurse would be doing a rapid Covid test on me (and all other patients prior to treatment) as soon as I arrived. 


It was the longest 15 minutes of my life waiting for those results. If the test came back positive, I would be sent home, completely devastated, having to wait who knows how many more months for my turn to come back around again. 


When the nurse finally gave me the green light to go ahead, and for Rich to go home, I was so relieved. 


So how sad is it that I’ve spent every day since, wishing I had tested positive for Covid that day. 


What if I had to come back another day, maybe things would’ve turned out differently?


#Psilocybin #anniversaryeffect #twoyearslater #clinicaltrial #treatmentresistantdepression #youareenough #covidtest #regret 

#whatifs #anxiety #mentalhealth 

It’s only Monday morning and I’m already done peopling for the week. 


I spent most of the weekend distracted by friends and loved ones and made self-care a top priority, yet I still felt an overwhelming sense of restlessness and dread throughout my body and mind. 


Maybe the long weekend just wasn’t long enough for me or perhaps it’s more likely that my subconscious mind spent the weekend anticipating and preparing me for what is likely going to be a very difficult week ahead.


If I find myself in need of extra support or shutting down at any given time this coming week, I will ask for help and do so without shame or guilt. 


If I find myself reliving my past traumas of April 2, 2022 or April 4, 2014, the anniversaries of the two worst days of my life, I will give myself the grace I deserve and allow myself to feel my emotions.


If I find myself ruminating, in a fight or flight mode, emotionally exhausted, feeling distressed, irritable, anxious, or sad, I will take the necessary breaks needed for my mental and physical health.


If I find myself triggered by these life-changing events that have occurred to me over the past ten years, I will remind myself that I am doing the best I can to survive each and every day. 


#survival #anniversaryeffect #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #youareenough #itsoktoaskforhelp #trauma #triggers #vulnerabilities #shame #guilt #doingthebestican #donepeopling #selfcare #youarenotalone